I already know nobody reads this anyway so I really don't have any problem with being open and honest with how I'm feeling, but even still, I have my guard up 24/7. A ton of people live like this, I'm not special or unique. I'm not busting through any barriers by saying that I constantly have my guard up and never let anyone see the real me. Eventually, when you're faced with a million and a half negative things in your life, you have to make a decision. Do you keep your head up, remain positive, and fight it full force? On the contrary, do you just put your head down and accept that you just can't take it anymore and pronounce life as the winner, accepting that it isn't going to get better. I'm sure most people would jump at the notion that you absolutely keep your head up and keep going. That's the choice of honor, the choice of pride, never giving up is what you have to do to make it in this world. How sad is it, that I know all of that...and yet I still have chosen the 2nd option.
Life isn't fun anymore. I've always been a pessimistic individual who assumed for anything good to happen, it would take a ton of jumping through hoops to see any progress, but I always thought eventually it was going to work out. I don't believe that anymore. I now live in a mindset that doesn't just assume, my mind is fucking adamant that nothing good is going to happen each and every day when I wake up. Plans get cancelled, people lie to you, there is no reason to get my hopes up. I have accepted the fact that every single day will only have but a set schedule of the same old activities.
Sunday - Wake up any time between 10-12. Watch some football games, then eventually go to work at 6 until 11. Either before or after work, I'll squeeze in whatever homework that needs to get done.
Monday - Wake up at 6:30 AM and fight desperately with my body to get out of bed and get my ass in the shower to get ready for class at 8. Need to get out of the house by 7:30 AM so I can catch the bus, so I'm not late. Listen to my music and completely lose myself in the lyrics & sounds. Seriously, I'm...GONE when I'm listening to music. I conjure up my own little world narrated by song lyrics and it's a much much happier place there. Then I have to convince myself to actually go to class, even though it's excruciatingly boring and I don't remotely feel like I belong there, which is fine because I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Then, provided I won the battle over my mind and actually went to my classes, I get to go home and lay down for a couple hours. Maybe I'll watch something on Netflix and play some PS3. The whole time I'm looking for anything to just turn my brain off. I often sit there and ponder to myself, why am I signed onto Skype if I remain invisible 24/7? I have yet to create a decent enough lie to convince myself of yet, but when I do, I'll be sure to share it. In reality? I sit on Skype for one reason and only one reason. Then 4 o'clock rolls around and I'm off to work for 5 hours so I can put on the most fake smile you ever did saw. You think my close "friend" don't know what really goes on in my head? Pretty sure my co-workers are under the impression that I don't even know what sadness is. I'll admit, though, it's getting a fuck of a lot harder to pretend lately.
Tuesday - Once again wake up at the crack of crap and convince myself to go to class. Luckily it's just one class and it isn't nearly as much of a butt-fuck as my two classes on Monday so I don't completely despise it. Don't get me wrong, though, it still sucks. Home normally by 10 AM and I have all day long to sit and stew in my thoughts. No work, just pretty much me, music, PS3, & Netflix.
Wednesday - Pretty much the same thing as Monday, except there's no work. So the length of PS3, Netflix, etc. is greatly enhanced.
Thursday - Same as Tuesday, except sometimes you can sprinkle in work.
Friday - Inevitably there will be some plans with my friends that end up getting cancelled which put a massive downer on my life. I know it's not done in a malicious fashion or in spite of me, I just wish for once I could have some fun in my life and not have to be stressed to the point where I want to scream all the time. Doesn't matter anyway, Friday has become a work day now as well. Not like I'm doing anything anyway.
Saturday - All of a sudden Saturday has become a free day for me. Work changed my hours so now I have them free. Awesome. More time for me to hate life.
That isn't a gross over exaggeration of my life lately, it's a play-by-play reenactment. Go ahead and sprinkle in the occasional conversation with people who try to help but honestly can't do much of anything, which makes me feel terrible because I don't like when people cater to me. I don't want people to try and make me feel better because I know it's hopeless. Go do something productive with your time, because I've become a lose cause. Maybe sometimes I'll talk to people I hate and put on a nice fake smile for them, just because I'd rather not rock the boat. The only time you get joking and laughing Mike is when I've managed to successfully turn off my brain and I'm not thinking about anything. Ignorance is bliss, I absolutely believe that. I love the moments in life when my mind turns off and I'm ignorantly "happy." The moments where my brain clicks back on are the worst. I'm having less and less of those ignorantly happy moments because fact is, the shitty thoughts have taken over. I feel an extreme sense of passiveness & a general sense of having a melancholy attitude all the time.
I guess you could finally say I've broken down and accepted that things are just not going to get better. (Speaking on behalf of ME here, not for others) The quicker you realize that in this world, people don't give a shit about you and would stab you in the back to further their own lives, the easier it is to wake up each morning. I have no trust in my fellow man and have an extremely tough time believing in things such as trust, love, friendship, and pretty much anything of the sort. Most people, when they have their proverbial "breakdown" they can't stop crying and talking to people. Not me. My "breakdown" has consisted of me forgetting how to smile and feeling like there's a brick laying on top of my brain. I feel weighted down by emotions and literally have a tough time showing any sort of positive emotions and conjuring up some sort of happy thought. I'm tired of everything, so just let me be broken. That's the perfect way to describe it, I'm broken right now and I'm pretty sure no one who can fix me, is willing or able to do so.
So yeah, maybe a week from now I'll be posting a happy-go-lucky post full of jokes and giggles and it'll seem like everything is peachy. That just means I'm having a "good" day, but the shitty thoughts always linger. I wake up every day assuming I'm going to hear some terrible news and lately, I'm usually right. Most people say "I'm not sure how much more I can take" but I know I can take it all. Keep bringing on the shitty and depressing news, because I'm stupid strong when it comes to absorbing all of it. I don't cry, I have constant feeling that I probably should be bursting out into tears, but it's not going to happen. You have to actually be alive on the inside for that to happen.
And yet, despite it all, I'll fantasize about the future and how it could actually get better. That's what keeps me going every day and that's why I haven't completely given up. Because what else do you have in life besides hope?
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