Incoming Block of Words (Paragraphs Are For Hipsters)

 

     I try, I try REALLY hard to keep this kind of crap off of a public blog.  I know the perverted curiosity of those in my life don't really care what goes on in my life, but a lot of people can't quite help but peer into the window just to see the kind of drama I'm going through.  Do they care?  No.  But they don't mind being entertained by the guy having some troubles and then judging him/ridiculing him afterwards behind his back.  Maybe I'm being paranoid, perhaps I've deluded myself into thinking that people really have any interest whatsoever.  I don't very much care either way.  Fact is, the judgement you conjure up for me couldn't even remotely match the judgement I pass upon myself, so do your worst.  You're never going to see me publicly tell everyone how all hope is lost and how I'm just going to kill myself, because that isn't me.  Suicide is insanely selfish to me.  I know we're supposed to have sympathy for the deceased, but I'm sorry, suicide is a selfish way out that only leaves the people who love you hurt.  The FEW people who care about you are left with a black hole in their heart forever because you were too much of a pansy to suck it up and deal with your shit. (Besides, I would just do it with no announcement.)  I usually reserve this type of incoherent rambling for a Word document called "Yeah Don't Read This" on my laptop, but fact is, all that does is provide an outlet for venting.  It does nothing to satisfy anything inside of me, maybe this will help.  Probably not.  I feel like someone has died in my life and I'm going through the grieving process lately.  I've been depressed, wished I could make bargains, and been royally pissed off.  Now?  Most people reach acceptance.  I guess that's what you can call this, but it's hardly any sort of closing chapter.  I frankly don't care anymore.  I have accepted the fact that I suck, I really suck at maintaining awesome relationships.  I've had countless friends just sorta abandon me, for seemingly no reason.  Obviously it's probably my fault for the way I am, but still, it's definitely become a pattern.  Venting and opening up to people doesn't do jack shit.  So what?  Some person I hardly ever talk to hears all the shit that makes me crazy every day, gives me some recycled cliche that they think will make me bounce back and it's all good?  Wrong.  Fact is, the only people who actually CAN make things better are far too busy with their life to spend any sort of time dealing with your garbage.  And if they do have that window opportunity?  They aren't remotely going to say what you wish to fucking God they would say.  It doesn't work that way.  Life isn't a fucking television show.  Being that awesome and caring guy who does everything for someone doesn't mean a thing, because odds are, you really aren't that awesome anyway.  You just think you are.  I lived my life thinking I was a decent guy, a guy who may not be phenomenal, but God dammit, I tried.  What has it got me?  Nothing.  So maybe I'm a shitty guy, I wouldn't be surprised.  Frankly, I don't care anymore.  Being a nice guy gets you nowhere in life, seriously, if ever faced with the proverbial devil & angel on your shoulder situation, choose the devil.  Being the good person has a glass ceiling.  You're only going to be loved & accepted for so long until someone just gets tired of you.  If you be the devil, the uncaring son of a bitch, then you always leave the person wanting more.  The other person is your fucking slave to put it bluntly.  I have vehemently tried to do the right & nice thing for 21 years now and where has it left me?  Venting on a piece of shit blog that nobody reads with the feeling that nobody cares anymore.  This is a world where some people just get dealt a shit hand and that's how you have to live your life.  Some people are meant to be alone and becoming a loner is pretty much the only thing that can save you.  Nice guys finish LAST.  Things do not change.  They may be awesome for a bit, but don't worry, they'll take a bad turn in no time.  I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist.  If you're sitting here saying "Nope, not true.  My life is awesome." Well good for you.  You may have done a better job with your life than I have.  I'm just saying, some people will get shit on forever.  I have been betrayed by countless friends and lied to.  My advice?  Don't fall in love, don't expect anything out of anyone, do not rely on someone.  Everyone is selfish and the quicker you realize you're alone in life, the easier it becomes.  I have this insane feeling, every single night, where I lay in bed and I have become so damn frustrated with EVERYTHING that I just want to take a baseball bat and beat the living shit out of every object in my room.  Do you realize how infuriating it is to live your life constantly having every God damn thing pile up and you bottle it up with ZERO outlet?  It sucks and it's enough to drive anyone crazy.  Have I gone crazy?  No.  For some reason I'm retardedly strong when it comes to crap like this and I just deal with everything myself.  So if I disappear for a while, don't think I'm wallowing in my own self-pity.  It just means I'm sick of being punched in the fucking face a million times a day and so I have adhered to the notion that if something is out of sight, then it's out of mind (which isn't remotely true, but it's all I got) So keep living your life.  Keep being happy and fantastic because I have officially given up.  Call it the straw that broke the camel's back or whatever, but I'm done.  Being the way I have been in my life has led to just pure and utter shit.  So no, I won't be that bubbly happy dude making jokes and is here for anyone.  Fact is, I don't give a shit anymore.  My family.  My schoolwork.  My job.  My hobbies & interests in sports.  THAT is all that matters to me anymore, at least on the outside.  Inside I'll be the exact same person I've always been, so basically I'm saying, I will begin lying to myself.  I am going to repress every God damn thing from now on and you better believe I've built a pretty immense wall before myself.  I am officially a watered down version of myself and it sucks.  I hate it.  But it's necessary.  Everyone else around me gets to be selfish.  So fuck off, it's my time to be selfish.  Not like anyone cares anyway, if anyone took the time to open this link, I'm sure they stopped reading many many lines ago and began with the ridicule.  Actions speak louder than words.